Hidden habits that make your social anxiety worse - and how to break them

It was during her teenage years that Mary began to become anxious in social situations. It got so bad she developed depression and had to have time off school.

By the time she started university, she avoided group settings altogether.

"I didn't join clubs and societies like others did," says Mary (not her real name). "I just thought nobody would want to get to know me. I didn't really make a single friend during my whole degree."

Mary's social anxiety was so bad that she was diagnosed as having social anxiety disorder - something that affects up to 12% of people at some point in their lives.

But plenty more report struggling more generally. As students return to uni, we asked experts how to overcome these feelings whether in your first, or final year.

A study by the University of Chichester found more than a fifth of university students face some kind of social anxiety during their studies – and it is linked to lower grades, poorer relationships and isolation.

For many, university marks the first time they have moved out of home – and the expectation is that they will quickly make friends.

Mary, who went to the University of Exeter, says she did try. "When I first got there I went to one society, but everybody was talking to each other and I had a sudden fear come over me. I felt I wouldn't fit in and I went home."

Mary describes her social anxiety as like an out of body experience. When she was talking to new people, heat would rise in her face and her hands would begin to tingle. "I'd almost feel myself separating from my body. I forgot how to form words," says Mary, who is now 25.

"After social situations I was often left with the sense that I'd done something awful. I had an all-consuming feel of shame. I kept thinking there was something fundamentally flawed in me."

Neil Greening, chair of the Social Anxiety Alliance UK, says this is a typical characteristic of people with social anxiety.

"People think they have a personality flaw. They internalise it rather than seeing it as a recognisable condition that they can get help for."

The key thing to remember: It's fairly normal to feel a little shy or anxious when meeting new people, being in new situations or going for a job interview. Social anxiety is when it actually stops people doing things, Greening says.

For those with a clinical diagnosis it can have a debilitating impact like it did for Mary.

"It can be hard to admit to any form of social anxiety in a world where extrovertism and social confidence is generally admired. Many people try to hide their social anxiety or use safety behaviours."

Signs someone may be socially anxious:

• Keeping quiet
• Giving short answers
• Playing with a phone to avoid interacting
• Always staying close to someone or staying on the edges of a group
• Sticking to safe subjects of conversation like work

Greening says there is some evidence social anxiety is getting worse and that increased use of smartphones and remote working is contributing by "leading to less social interactions and increased levels of anxiety".

Mary, who has moved on to do a postgraduate course, is now managing her social anxiety better. After her undergraduate degree she got support from the NHS in the form of a talking therapy called CBT.

It is considered the gold standard treatment for social anxiety and encourages people to re-frame their thoughts and change their behaviours.

Prof David Clark, a psychologist at the University of Oxford, says he would like to see more people come forward for therapy but says people can also take steps to help themselves.

The first step, he says, is to stop obsessive self-focus. "People with social anxiety often monitor themselves constantly during social situations. Am I blushing? Do I sound stupid? Do I look nervous?

"Focus outwardly on the conversation, other person or your surroundings."

He says you also need to test your fears with behavioural experiments by asking a question in a meeting or saying something in a group and noticing what happens.

"People with social anxiety often assume negative outcomes – that they will embarrass themselves or think others will find them boring. Testing that can help people break that. It's frightening, but it can really help."

He also says they need to drop safety behaviours, such as rehearing every sentence, avoiding eye contact or sticking close to one particular person.

And finally, Clark adds, try to avoid post-event rumination. "It's so easy to distort what actually happened."

This is something Mary can empathise with. "I used to play things over constantly in my mind. What I've learnt is that dealing with social anxiety is a gradual process. The therapy really helped me, but so did something a friend said to me a couple of years ago.

"When I said I didn't want to join her in meeting some of her friends, citing my poor social skills, she said she'd never thought that about me and that I shouldn't undersell myself. I was overcome with emotion.

"I'm now pushing myself to engage more. It helps that in my postgrad course we're in smaller groups, but I've also joined an astronomy group. It's still difficult and it doesn't always go how I want it to, but I'm learning to manage it."