'A cut-throat split': What a blindside divorce tells us about modern love

More people are sharing their experience of being divorced out of the blue. Psychologists tell the BBC why a spouse might initiate a sudden split – and what this tells us about modern relationships and marriage.

Eve Simmons was in a romantic relationship for eight-and-a-half years and married for six months when her husband put a bowl of pasta on the table in front of her, with a side of "I'm not happy". It was completely out of the blue. A few days later, he told her he didn't want to try and work on their marriage.

It was, Simmons says, a "cut-throat split".

There are countless threads on Reddit and other social forums with similar stories about former spouses who say they have experienced a "blindside divorce". Sometimes, it's referred to as "sudden divorce syndrome". But what do experts say are the reasons a spouse might want a divorce out of the blue and what can a blindside split tell us about the state of modern love and relationships?

Adam Davis (whose real name has been withheld for privacy reasons) was with his wife for 10 years and married for four when she left their house one morning to go to the shops and never returned. Concerned for her whereabouts, Davis contacted the police, who confirmed she was safe and well, but said she had no intention of getting in contact with him. Several weeks later he was served divorce papers in the post. "There wasn't any explanation, there wasn't any closure, there wasn't any goodbye," he says.

Davis started exhibiting signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) when his wife left him. "I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat… I couldn't concentrate at work. I struggled to do daily tasks, such as getting out of bed in the morning to just, like, showering and brushing my teeth," he says. After the initial shock wore off, "the grief set in. Because then it started becoming real, that she [had] gone".

Davis worries his blindside divorce will have a lasting impact on him and any future relationships – and even on ordinary friendships. "I've never ever had such a traumatic breakup before that just left me feeling like I can't trust people again," he says. "I go out with friends and I feel socially awkward. It did a number on my self-esteem… I feel I'm always second-guessing people's intentions now and motives."

Simmons says the shocking part of her divorce was that "there wasn't any willingness to work on it, or to fix wounds, or to even discuss what might be salvageable".

It raised the question – what's the point in marriage? "You think that you're in the safest, securest position in your life, and then it's all ripped from under your feet without a moment's notice," Simmons says.

Firstly, it is important to highlight that there may be plenty of legitimate reasons why a partner might flee a relationship unexpectedly – such as abuse or coercive control.

In safe and non-threatening marriages, however, personality and attachment styles (the way people act and feel in relationships) might explain why some people are more likely to walk out on their spouse without any notice or reason.

"You know, there are certain personality profiles that may be more susceptible to making these decisions… [like] not being willing to compromise," says Jeffry Simpson, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota in the US.

Some research has suggested that both anxious attachment (where a person fears separation or abandonment from a partner) and avoidant attachment (where a person seeks emotional distance or fears being trapped by a relationship) styles negatively affect the cognitive, emotional and behavioural aspects of relationship quality. Other research suggests that those with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to seek alternative partners, or engage with infidelity.

"One of the things that we've seen in some of our work is that people who are avoidantly attached to their partners, are more likely to not communicate very directly or very well, and to sometimes make kind of black-and-white decisions," Simpson adds.

By contrast, a person with a secure attachment style (someone who feels trust and safety in relationships, and confidence in their own abilities), Simpson says, is "much less likely just break things off without either trying to improve them or at least letting the partner understand why it's happening".

However, in a way, "a lot of divorces are blindside divorces, because we just can't predict it very well", says Galena Rhoades, psychology professor at the University of Denver in the US, and the co-author of Fighting For Your Marriage. "[Divorce] is rarely, unfortunately, a mutual decision that people come to."

There isn't any data or research into blindside divorce yet, and ultimately, each relationship and their set of circumstances is unique. However, research on divorce in general can help shed some light on the consequences of an unexpected split – and how to deal with them.

Today, divorce rates among younger and middle-aged adults have declined in recent decades in the US – although "grey divorce" rates, for couples aged 50 or over, have risen. However, couples are getting married later than ever before, if at all. The number of households with single parents has increased, as has the number of children born outside of marriage.

It's fair to say that perspectives on marriage and long-term relationships have changed significantly since the late 20th Century. For most people, marriage is no longer expected, it's a choice.

Still, divorce – any divorce, not just a blindside divorce – can affect people in a number of ways. Overall, women face greater post-divorce disadvantages than men – such as decreased income, housing issues, social pressures and primary or sole responsibility for caring for children. (Despite more women balancing careers with motherhood, women contribute 35% more childcare than mothers did in the 1960s – even those women who earn more than their husbands). Divorced women may suffer from poor mental health, including stress over custody. For women in same-sex marriages, emerging research suggests that the material losses after divorce may be smaller.

For men, the risks are subtly different, studies suggest. Research shows that while men are more likely to recover financially than women after a divorce, they are likely to be less wealthy than men who remain married. Men may also face a higher risk of severe health problems after divorce, compared to women. Their mental health risks include a higher suicide risk after a marital separation, compared to married men, and compared to women. Men are generally more likely than women to rely on their spouses for intimacy, social support and relationships with friends and family, which may put them at risk of social isolation after a divorce.

"Women are relationally-oriented, meaning that they tend to maintain and form new emotionally connected friendships," Rhoades says. "Men are more likely to struggle emotionally or socially, because they don't have the same interpersonal, or social resources that women tend to have."

For women, a blindside divorce might be particularly surprising because of the role they assume in romantic relationships, Rhoades says.

"Oftentimes, women wind up being in the role of initiating conversations – almost being the barometers for how the relationship is going… it's why blindside divorce, especially coming from the husband, can be surprising, because women are quite cued into the balance in the relationship, or how things are going for each partner," says Rhoades.

For blindside divorces, having less time – or no time – to prepare for the separation may also make it harder to deal with both practical consequences, such as having to find housing, but also the mental consequences of the shock.

Davis says that after the initial shock wore off, he started to feel intense grief – with the lack of closure making it feel more severe. To save himself from the "depths of despair", he started exercising and eating well. Eve took to her mum's sofa and relied on friends and family for support.

Both also found therapists to help them work through the emotional fallout of their divorces. Reflecting on each of their marriages, both Simmons and Davis concluded that there were differences in communication styles.

"Like lots of relationships, we had problems," Simmons says. "It wasn't perfect, because relationships aren't… it wasn't plain sailing. And we had been together for a long time, since we were in our early twenties," Simmons says.

Eli Finkel, a professor of social psychology at Northwestern University in the US, says that the current state of marriage in the US is a "mixed bag". In his book, The All or Nothing Marriage, he argues that our changing expectations and beliefs around marriage have had two consequences.

"First, it has made marriage more fragile. Many of us are disappointed in a level of marital connection that would have been entirely sufficient for our grandparents," he says. "But second, it has made the best marriages better than ever. We aspire to connect on a deeper psychological level than in earlier eras, and those marriages that deliver on those aspirations are profoundly fulfilling."

Interestingly, some data survey analysis published by Pew Research in November 2025 showed that US high schoolers are less likely nowadays to say that they want to get married – with 67% of the country's 17-18-year-olds saying they'll choose to get married one day, down from 80% in 1993. Boys are more likely to say they'll get married than girls.

Finkel takes a cautious approach to interpreting gender differences around marriage and divorce, as the reasons for the divergence are not fully clear.

"My read of the evidence is that women are far more likely than men to initiate divorce," says Finkel. "There's a lot of speculation about what drives this gender difference, but I don't feel confident in claiming that any of them has especially strong support."

In the Western world, people have an abundance of options, which has certainly changed the trajectory of modern love and marriage.

Take dating apps for example, which given rise to the accessibility of casual sexual relationships. Their popularity has coincided with the shifting average age of marriage, and the drive for people to have a career before they "settle down".

Even though dating app user numbers have declined, they're still high – in the UK, it is estimated that there will be 12 million users on dating apps by 2028. The majority of revenue from the global dating app industry comes from the US, with three in 10 US adults saying they have used a dating app. 

Dating apps can lead to "choice paralysis", or "overload" as users are exposed to an "abundance" of potential partners. While this abundance might make it seem more likely that a person would find a partner, research suggests that it may in fact have the opposite effect – where people are more likely to be single. US psychologist Barry Schwartz famously wrote about this paradox, and why more is less. More choice does not equate to more freedom, he argues in his Ted Talk. Instead, he says, people may feel more responsibility and more blame if dissatisfied with a choice made.

There is also a phenomenon called alternative monitoring. "The more you're thinking about alternatives, whether that's a past love, or someone at work that you're somewhat attracted to – or in this day and age – all of the availability of other potential partners, it can actually make it harder to commit to your relationship and do the work that long-term relationships take," Rhoades says. Research suggests that alternative monitoring precedes both breakups and infidelity.

More like this:

• How grey divorce affects adult children

• The benefits of having many lovers

• Is friendship healthier than love?

Of course, it can also lead to a reluctance to commit ­– hence the "fear of labelling" and the use of terms like "situationships" (a loosely-defined, ambiguous romantic or sexual relationship which lacks commitment).

"There does seem to be this throwaway culture," Simmons says. "[The idea that] I've been with someone for a very long time, but there's going to be something better around the corner, and it's going to be very attainable, require minimum effort, and it's going to solve all my problems. And I don't know if that's partly the dating app culture [or] social media lead as well, because we're in this [state of] constant consumption," she says.

Ultimately, relationships take work, commitment and effort. "Happy relationships don't just deliver themselves," Finkel adds. "They require wise investment of time, attention and resources," he says. 

And for the lovers out there, all hope is not lost. A large, recent study across 90 countries showed that people still value romantic love when considering a long-term relationship, including in countries where arranged marriages are still prevalent. The study found that romantic love acts as a commitment device – meaning that romantic love is "universally perceived" as a force which encourages people to foster commitment in their relationships.

Davis is currently still going through his divorce and is beginning the process of trying to move on. "I can't even hope to reconcile," he says. While he can speculate and consider the reasons why his wife might have wanted a divorce, he has not yet had an explanation from her.

Simmons is now in a happy relationship and recently gave birth to a child. Looking back, she says, there were signs that her and her ex-husband weren't the most compatible. But that's hindsight for you.

She ended up writing a book inspired by her blindside divorce called What She Did Next, speaking to dozens of men and women who have had a similar experience.

"In all of the cases that I have learned about, without a doubt, the person who was blindsided has classed [it] as the best thing that ever happened to them… They have got everything that they have wanted in the end," Simmons says.

"Relationships don't [always] work out, and that's okay."

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