Literally! Social media parodies: Video playlist

DOOR CREAKS Miss Havisham: Hello, and welcome
to a day in the life of me.
Miss Havisham.
Oh.
Hi.
I wake up at 8:40,
devastated,
in my outfit from the day before,
and the day before that,
and the decade before that.
You know when you just can’t be bothered
to change?
Guilty!
Okay, let’s get into it.
So, I guess this is sort of like
my signature look.
One shoe.
Once white, now yellow.
Silk stockings.
Once white, now yellow.
And a wedding dress.
You guessed it.
Once white, now yellow.
'Cause if it ain’t broke…
then it isn’t my heart.
SOBS
It’s a sort of thrown-together-
halfway-through-dressing-
when-you-get-a-world-shattering-letter
kind of aesthetic.
Gets a lot of strong reactions.
People say it’s like, um, grave-clothes.
Or like a skeleton
in the ashes of a rich dress.
But that’s what I love about this look,
super versatile.
Wedding dress…
shroud.
Wedding dress…
shroud.
Wedding dress…
cheeky.
Shroud!
When it comes to looking after my skin,
I don’t.
Can you tell?
It’s really working for me…
I look worse than ever.
I mean, who needs SPF
when you’ve got brick wall?
I had them all covered up, you see.
In fact, Pip, come in.
What are you, eight, nine?
I’ve never seen the sun
since you were born.
Okay.
Bye.
The result?
It’s giving ghastly waxwork at the fair.
Oh, 8:40!
My favourite part of the day.
Time to go sit like a corpse.
Just plotting my revenge…
on all men.
Oh, 8:40!
Goodness, is that the time?
Unrelated, that’s actually the exact time
that I received this letter
all those years ago, yeah.
My ex, he dumped me on my birthday,
which is today.
God.
I’ve not thought about that in like,
huh, what’s that…
three seconds?
Hmm.
Just give me a second to put it back
exactly where it was.
Oh.
GROANS
Ah!
SINISTER MUSIC
You know when you’ve just got
that comfort watch,
you know, something you come back to
again and again?
Well, mine is Estella and Pip
playing cards.
It’s gripping.
FUNKY MUSIC
Break him, break him, Estella.
Break his heart.
Estrella: You’re a loser.
Pip: SOBBING
Estrella: Sorry.
Wanna kiss me?
8:40.
Miss Havisham: Playtime’s over.
Pip comes every six days,
which makes today…?
Pip: Monday?
Miss Havisham: I know nothing of days of the week,
I know nothing of weeks of the year!
Sorry.
Where was I?
Pip: It… it is Monday though, right?
Miss Havisham: I don’t do days.
8:40, time for Estella’s lessons.
She’s my ward.
Break their hearts, my pride and hope,
break their hearts and have no mercy.
I really want men
to fall in love with her.
Estella: Help me.
Miss Havisham: What do I mean by love?
Well, to me, it is blind devotion,
unquestioning self-humiliation
and giving up your whole heart
and soul to the smiter.
You know, just the usual stuff.
Oh! 8:40.
CLOCK CHIMES
Time for exercise.
Ah!
Walk me, walk me!
Slower… slow.
Walk me.
I like to do a couple of reps of slow laps
around my wedding cake.
Oh!
Personal best, yay!
Aha.
Gosh, all that walking,
it’s still only 8:40.
Ah, what a day.
It’s a great cake.
A bride-cake. Mine.
And when the ruin is complete,
and they lay me dead in my bride’s dress
on my bride’s table…
which will be the finished curse upon him,
the guy that dumped me.
So much the better
if it is done on this day!
Pip: Is… is today your birthday?
Miss Havisham: I don’t do days!
Oh, okay, you’re going?
Oh, well, thanks for spending
the day with me.
Yes, I’ll never forget you.
No, really.
I won’t.
Oh, 8:40, already leaving me.
You know, that’s the exact time
that I got this letter from…
DOOR SLAMS