VOICE: Mr Rochester?
ROCHESTER: Yeah.
VOICE: Jane Eyre? You’re here today to take a lie detector test. This is our polygraph operator, Grace Poole. Who wants to be in the hot seat first?
ROCHESTER: Jane! Jane does!
JANE: Ha.
GRACE POOLE: This first question’s just to calibrate the machine.
ROCHESTER: Are you a governess in my household?
JANE: Yes.
GRACE POOLE: Truthful.
ROCHESTER: Do you think me handsome?
JANE: No. N‑no. No.
ROCHESTER: Interesting.
Did you draw this?
JANE: No.
GRACE POOLE: Really? Seems like a very faithful representation of Mr Rochester.
JANE: It’s just a man. Just a random man. It’s not you, it just happens to look exactly like you.
GRACE POOLE: Deceptive.
JANE: Fine. I didn’t not not draw you.
GRACE POOLE: Deceptive.
ROCHESTER: Ugh!
GRACE POOLE: Jane, you’re now going to answer some questions from a wise fortune‑telling woman.
JANE: Is that even a thing?
ROCHESTER: Jane! I wonder what thoughts are busy in your heart?
What is your secret hope? Is there not one face you study? One who I predict is soon to be married?
JANE: Rochester, is that you? People actually fall for this charade?
ROCHESTER: It’s me, Jane, not a wise woman. Although, maybe she was wise, because here we are looking at this question. She did mention me getting married.
And have you noticed my feelings for Blanche Ingram? You know what, I reckon I will marry Blanche. And I’ll have to send you far away — to Ireland.
JANE: To Ireland? Why Ireland?
ROCHESTER: I’ve got you a new job in Ireland, Jane. I’m sorry, it’s just how it has to be.
JANE: But I don’t want to go to Ireland.
ROCHESTER: And why not?
JANE: Because I hate Ireland.
GRACE POOLE: Deceptive.
JANE: Fine. I don’t hate Ireland. It’s because — I’ll be far from you.
You! Do you think I am an automaton, a machine without feelings? Could a machine do this? Do you think because I am poor, obscure, plain and little, I am soulless and heartless?
Well, you think wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Let me go. Let me go!
I have spoken my mind and can go anywhere now. I’m a free human being, with an independent will!
GRACE POOLE: Truthful.
ROCHESTER: Jane. Jane? Jane!
JANE: What?
ROCHESTER: It is you only I intend to marry.
JANE: Fine. I’d love that. I’d actually really love that.
GRACE POOLE: Truthful.
ROCHESTER: Shall we swap? Over there. Ask me anything.
JANE: Okay.
I was just gonna ask —
GRACE POOLE: Okay, yeah, I think he’s broken the machine. Literally never seen readings like this before.
JANE: Why did you lie about wanting to marry Blanche — i.e., not me?
ROCHESTER: Ah. Thank God it is no worse. I wished to render you as madly in love with me as I was with you.
GRACE POOLE: Very truthful.
JANE: And a bit cruel, actually.
ROCHESTER: Well, it worked.
JANE: Could’ve just been honest.
ROCHESTER: I dare not show you where I am vulnerable.
JANE: Who was the woman who broke into my room last night?
ROCHESTER: When you are inquisitive, Jane, you always make me smile.
GRACE POOLE: Deceptive.
ROCHESTER: Was it a dream?
JANE: No, it definitely wasn’t.
ROCHESTER: It was probably a ghost. Or her!
GRACE POOLE: Deceptive.
JANE: That’s gaslighting. That’s gaslighting.
ROCHESTER: When we’ve been married a year and a day, I will tell you.
JANE: Okay. Yeah. That’s reassuring.
Do you have a secret wife?
ROCHESTER: What a weird question.
JANE: Do you have a secret wife?
ROCHESTER: If the answer was yes, would you consider being my mistress?
JANE: Do you have a secret wife?
ROCHESTER: She’s not a secret anymore. Because now you know.
JANE: Okay. Yeah. So, yeah. I’m gonna go.
VOICE: Don’t leave him.
JANE: Did you actually think this would work? Two wives?
ROCHESTER: Yeah, honestly… yes.
GRACE POOLE: Very truthful.
ROCHESTER: Wow.
Description
Mr Rochester and Governess Jane Eyre take the on the polygraph lie detector test in this social media parody. Find out more about GCSE English Literature.
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