How to manage when your child wants a smartphone

Many parents agonise as they consider whether they should - or shouldn’t - get their child a device that allows access to social media. Even as the Government considers a school ban, parents will find it challenging to negotiate the whys and wherefores of getting their child a smartphone – especially when the pressure from children to do so is often intense.

How do you set boundaries your child will respect while calming their fears that they’ll be left out by their friends?

For advice, Bitesize turned to mum-of-two Sapna Sanghvi, who is delaying giving her children a smartphone until they are at least 14.

Being phone free - Sapna’s story

For Sapna, it was noticing toddlers being kept occupied with their parents’ iPads in restaurants that started her thinking about whether her own children should be allowed access to smart devices. To her it seemed that technology was taking the place of children doing traditional activities such as playing outside, reading, drawing or crafting.

Sapna says: “I was very much a lone voice. Most parents were shrugging their shoulders and going, ‘Well, that's just how it is now, and if you don't get on board your kids will get left behind.”

Then she discovered the group Smartphone Free Childhood, a movement of families who believe in delaying access to smartphones and social media, and she is now one of their regional co-ordinators.

At 11 and on the cusp of starting secondary school, Sapna’s daughter is the age that many children start asking for a smartphone but she already knows that won’t be an option.

Here are Sapna’s tips for helping your child deal with digital envy:

Set expectations early

“Pester power is real,” says Sapna. “If you show a little bit of weakness, they will jump on it and then pester the heck out of you when their friends start to get smartphones.”

She has always made it very clear to her children that they won’t have one until they are at least 14-years-old and she’s never moved from that position. She has also been open about why.

Sapna says: “When you drive down the street and there are children who have their head down on a smartphone and walk right into the road in front of a car - we point these things out, we talk about it.”

She continues, “We open the conversation basically to say, ‘Look, I don't agree with smartphones. These are the reasons why.’ Once you talk about it in that way, they do get it.”

She also focuses on what her children can have, rather than what they can’t - her daughter will be able to text and call her friends: “We talk a lot about getting a ‘brick phone’’ when she starts high school. At the minute, because she hasn't got anything, that's going to be a bit of a win.”

Be the ‘play-date’ house

Sapna recommends making your house into the place where your children and their friends want to hang out in real life. She says: “Enable them to do fun stuff. I think it's important to make sure that they have access to places where they can socialise in real life.

“It could be as simple as every Friday all the kids come round to yours, and you make pizzas and play board games. It’s making sure that your kid can feel that she's still the centre of the social universe, but in a real-life sort of way.”

What if other kids bring their smartphones along to the play date? Sapna suggests getting them to leave them in a box by the front door.

She says: “Some parents don't like the fact that other kids come to the house, and the kids are all watching something on their phones. You can't easily see what they're watching, and it could be anything.

“Know that you can set house rules - if kids come through the door with a smartphone, the smartphone goes in the box.

“Some parents can feel a bit conscious about doing that sort of thing, as if they're telling other parents how to parent, but when you reframe it as house rules, you realise it's just saying, ‘This is what happens in our house’.”

When to pick your battles?

If no smartphones is something you feel strongly about, then you may need to give way on other things, says Sapna.

She says she has realised as a parent, that if she’s going to be strict on smartphones and screen time, she needs to be less strict on other things, “So sure, I would like the kids to come back from school and eat an apple or an orange or lots of healthy food, but why don't I just relax on the snacks and relax on the telly time, and that will allow me to know that I am strict on this one topic and just stick to that. Prioritise the battles.”

Here are some healthy snack options that are appealing to children.

Can they use - or can you install a landline?

Connecting with other young people is really important, so if your child isn’t able to communicate with their friends in chat groups or on social media then you need to find another way for them to keep in touch.

Although landlines are still a feature of many homes - Ofcom research shows that for those aged 35-54 only 30% have a landline they use and ages 25-34 this drops to only 13%.

Sapna says the landline in her home has “been a lifeline for my kids”. Her daughter either calls her friends’ mums’ mobile phones or their landlines if they have them, and talks about homework or school, as well as making plans to meet up. Her children also phone their grandparents, aunties and uncles for a chat.

Sapna says this also helps them develop key communication skills: “What we're seeing in young people in their early-20s is that they're coming into the workplace without the communication skills that people used to have. That's purely because they're texting and messaging and emailing and not picking up the phone. I want my kids to be able to know how to speak to friends, and how to speak to other grown-ups when they go into the workplace.”

Galvanise other parents

Finding out what other parents at your child’s school think about smartphones can help you stick to your decision.

Sapna says: “I appreciate this is easier in some circles than others, and that it's sometimes a difficult conversation to have with other parents because you don't want to appear judgmental of their decisions, but if you can develop relationships with your kids’ friends’ parents to an extent that you can influence them one way or another with regards to smartphones, then that will really help your child to feel like they're not the odd one out.”

If you've struggled with this or don't know where to start, then read our tips here - How can I make friends with other parents?

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