Unreliable Narrator

How do you tell the story of your life when you have no memory of the events that shaped you?

At 15, Stephen McAll was a promising musician with a head full of songs. He was booked into a studio to record an album.

Then, one night walking home from his girlfriend’s house in East Kilbride, he was attacked and beaten. The assault left him with serious head injuries and diagnoses of psychosis, excruciating cluster headaches, and PTSD.

It also erased almost all of his memories. He says he could recognise faces and names of loved ones, but had lost every experience, event, or occasion in his life up to that point. He couldn't lay down new memories or hold onto information. He could read words on a page, but could not retain their meaning.

His psychosis, which went undiagnosed for years, led to walls and ceilings moving and wobbling in a way that felt like being on psychedelic drugs. Rather than seeking medical help, Stephen sank into a wilderness of heavy drinking and drug-taking.

Years later, at his lowest ebb, he found himself drawn to a bookshelf, to a collection by Scottish poet Norman MacCaig. An inscription told him the book had been a gift from a much-loved English teacher. He started reading, and found himself transported. He says this was the moment that 'hope returned'.

Now in his early 40s, Stephen McAll is a successful music artist, and founder of critically-acclaimed folk band Constant Follower.

This episode of Illuminated charts Stephen's decades-long journey from devastating injury and memory loss, back to hope and happiness.

There is one caveat: it may not be completely true. Stephen has had to piece together memories from stories he has been told, things he has surmised, and tiny slivers of memory that have returned over time.

He is the unreliable narrator of his own story.

Producers: Katie Revell and Dave Howard
Sound design: Jonathan Webb
Executive producer: Dave Howard
Music: Stephen McAll
Excerpt of 'The Root of It' by Norman MacCaig, taken from album The Way I Say It, copyright Claddagh Records
Excerpt of 'Tourist and Landlord' by Norman MacCaig, from a film made for the Scottish Poetry Library called 'Norman MacCaig reads 2 Poems'
Thanks to Shaun Milne

A Bespoken Media Scotland production for BBC Radio 4